Throughout my faith transition, I have had a few select friends who have helped me. In fact, I very intentionally chose a faithful LDS person, a formerly LDS person, and a person who has never been religious as my personal "sanity check" panel to bounce my thoughts off of.
My non-religious friend was Greg, and today he posted a video not at all about religion, but he happened to hit upon some really important feelings I've had about my experience in the church and why it's so good that I've left.
He posted a video about some things he read shortly after the events at the capitol on January 6th. Some well-meaning people who Greg looks up to posted what Greg called "tough love" inspirational thoughts, encouraging people to stay focused and not to lose their resolve in continuing to succeed and move forward in their entrepreneurial endeavors. But Greg didn't feel focused or resolved - he felt sad, disturbed, and scared.
It reminded me of times in church when I was depressed... and the gospel was supposed to bring happiness. I felt guilty because I must be doing something wrong. If I was righteous and faithful, I would feel peace. But I didn't feel peace, so I must not be those things. The first fruit of the spirit is peace, so I must have distanced myself from the Spirit. Something was wrong with me.
Calls to be better at home teaching, to fulfill our callings, to serve our fellowmen, to be better to our spouses and children - the intention behind these instructions is always good, I know that. But they very often hurt me. What I needed was a little more "Take time for yourself. Your calling can wait. You're doing fine." But until very late in my church membership, I never spoke up to say anything in the spirit of "Could you lay off a little? I'm already doing my best." And frankly, that was probably largely due to the fact that I didn't ever believe I was doing my best! I was taught that the goal was perfection, and you know what? I'm a goal acheiver.
Here's a bit of what Greg said in his impromptu selfie video:
"There are plenty of people for whom that comment was destructive. And those are the people who aren't commenting or leaving a thumbs up or a fist bump or whatever. And that's me! That was me yesterday. I saw these messages, and it hurt me, and I moved on. It made me reflect and feel bad about the way I was feeling, and I didn't go leave a comment there to say that, because it's kind of embarassing to be vulnerable that way. But I know those people well enough that I know that their intention wasn't to hurt anyone."
"And maybe that's okay.... because maybe I'm not their target customer. I'm not their audience. I'm not their target audience, and if their message doesn't resonate with me, they're at peace with that. Maybe that's fine."
"It's okay if you read it and saw those remarks and didn't feel uplifted or motivated and in fact you challenged yourself or questioned yourself or felt guilty. I want you to know that you're not alone. And that you have my permission to give yourself the patience and grace that you need to feel healthy and whole."
It's so perfectly applicable to the church. Unfortunately, the church teaches that it's NOT okay if you don't feel like the target "customer" for the gospel. It's for everyone, and you're really going to regret it if you don't listen and follow it. Well, I hope someone reading this needs to hear this and is willing to be open to the idea that what I'm about to say is true: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints isn't for everyone, and it is okay to leave. It's okay. You'll be okay. In fact... you might be a lot better off. You might feel a lot happier, and lighter. You might even get to know God better.
I feel honored. I need to you know that when I recorded that video I wasn't sure if I'd share i (that's why I didn't livestream it).
ReplyDeleteAnd even after I shared it I still was self conscious. I wasn't sure if it made sense. If I was being too sensitive. Or if anyone cared what I had to say.
But after seeing your reaction, I feel proud. I'm really glad it resonated with you, and I'm grateful for the validation you gave me.
Thanks homie. Appreciate you.
I am so glad you shared it. The way it impacted me was so completely unexpected and I needed it so much and had no idea.
DeleteMy experience leaving the church often feels unique. And while many other ex-Mormons obviously have a good understanding of what I’ve experienced, it’s so enlightening to realize how UN-unique the experience is to Mormonism in some ways. Or in this case, it’s not even unique to religion!
Every realization like that lifts a bit of a burden, because I realize I’m normal. I’m not stupid. I didn’t just get duped because of my religious zeal. I may have been overzealous, but other people are too, about other things. It’s just so comforting to hear someone else express my feelings in a more “normal” context.
Thank you again, so much.
Love you, Brett. Perfectionism is awful
ReplyDeleteSo awful. :(
DeleteWell said, Brett. You know through our conversations that we've both felt this and, frankly, it sucks. And it sucked until I said something about it. At first it was just to myself but even telling myself that it wasn't okay carried both weight and strength. That created the momentum I needed to vocalize my feelings to my wife which, ultimately led me to a happier, more authentic life. If the church works for someone, cool. If not, like you said, it's okay to step away and sit with your feelings for a bit. You may return, you may not, but it'll be on your terms, like it should have been the whole time.
ReplyDeleteYeah. For me, returning to church would involve bringing true agency with me, including picking and choosing what to believe and when to tune out, which is something the church cautions against. That would be a needlessly uncomfortable position to hold. But for someone else, it might work just fine. And then of course there are all the people who are perfectly happy in the church and so don't really care about the problems - either due to ignorance, indifference, or some kind of reconciliation. I don't understand it, but good for them.
DeleteThis is perfectly said.
ReplyDeleteI can remember just after my marriage was crumbled and I was living in the darkest time in my life. I subscribed to the idea that the closer you are to God, the happier and more peaceful you would feel. I truly believed that even as my life was falling apart, I would find peace in doing the things that I had been taught since a child would bring peace and succor. My "all or nothing" personality caused me to double down on all things spiritual in order to find relief. I prayed 5-10 times a day, I attended the temple sometimes bi-weekly, I literally read my scriptures for hours each day, and I fasted once a week (sometimes for 36-48 hours). All this was done in the name of finding peace through my suffering. I sunk deeper and deeper into darkness everyday. Everyday, I prayed for peace and I prayed that I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I remember, during one of my darkest days, I reached out to my parents for support, relating to them all all the spiritual things I was doing to relieve my own suffering, and my dad felt the need to ask if I was doing my home-teaching. I know he meant well, but my only thought was that I could barely get out of bed most days, how could I be expected to give of my feeble self to someone else, in any fashion? While I was slowly killing myself physically and emotionally, I berated myself for not being “spiritual enough” and that the reason I didn’t feel peace is because I was still just not close enough to the Spirit. I felt like I had to do more.
My point is, it was the wrong answer for me. I was literally killing myself a little each day. When I finally reached a breaking point. Thank God (literally) that I had the mental aptitude to look at the situation from the outside. I was doing everything I was told would make me happy, but I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t until I started doing the things that I genuinely enjoyed and genuinely made me happy and stopped doing the “spiritual” things that were truly making me more miserable, that I finally found peace in my life. It wasn’t until I walked away from church teachings, that I finally found true happiness.
Just sent you a Facebook message. I think I'll use that message as a blog post. But if you'd rather I not, just let me know. Your comment really struck a chord. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I know the church does a lot of good - frankly, that's easy to see. But the church also does so much harm that is every bit as real, and sometimes it feels like no one sees it. I want you to know I see it. The pain you experienced is devastating, and to navigate through that to where you are now takes a lot of fortitude and wisdom.
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