My Last Temple Visit

I've shared this journal entry with several people, and this seems like a good time to share it here.  Mainly because my bishop wants to meet with me, and I don't want to go to that meeting.  I thought this would be a good way for him to know how I came to my decision if he has time to read it.  I certainly don't envy the position of bishop.  Bishops volunteer a LOT of time to see to the physical, spiritual, financial, and administrative needs of the ward.  Bishop, if you're reading this, I have so much respect for the work that you do, even if I do think it's wrong for the church to expect it of you.

In fact, one of the things that "broke my shelf," so to speak, was learning that general authorities and mission presidents are compensated (and rather generously) for their "ministry."  It felt dishonest after the church’s claims of having no paid ministry, along with all the service and sacrifice and time away from family that my dad put in as a bishop, not to mention the time I put in as a missionary, seminary teacher, in several elders quorum presidencies, and as an executive secretary three times.  I was paid as an EFY counselor, however, which is interesting.  But this is all beside the point, and not a central issue in terms of my decision to leave the church.

I didn't intend to write such a long preface.  Here's the journal entry I wrote on September 29, 2019, the day after my last visit to the temple.  Since then, I have distanced myself more and more from the church, and I have become happier, healthier, closer to my wife and children, and I've found it easier to relate to people who have had different upbringings from mine.  It's been wonderful, and I have no plans to return to Sunday services except to show support for loved ones' special events.

29 September 2019

Where to start. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and reading about the church lately. I went to the temple yesterday and it was wonderful. It was wonderful in the ways I’ve always counted on the temple being wonderful, but the guidance I received was unexpected - and also wonderful! I felt a mix of inspiration, peace, and distaste. I almost said “repulsion” but that’s a bit too strong. 

I enjoyed the story of Adam and Eve. There are some great principles there. I also loved the changes that eliminate any implication of subservience of the woman to the man. I enjoyed the quiet peacefulness of the place, and the people in the temple are always so kind and sincere. I love the celestial room. I prayed and received guidance, and it felt wonderful. But the guidance I received included a confirmation that I will not be renewing my temple recommend. It was a bittersweet experience, saying goodbye to a place I’ve loved and relied on for sanctuary from noise, where I can meditate, pray, worship, receive guidance, and find peace.

Some things I didn’t like…

If we can change the temple ceremony to remove the husband as middleman between wife and God, what else can we change? And why wasn’t that part changed earlier? Women are no longer queens and priestesses unto their husbands. That seems like a big deal. A smaller deal is this: I never understood why we switch the robe to the other shoulder before going through the veil. I thought a lot about it. I wanted to know why. That piece has been removed as well. Alright… guess it was disposable? How much of the temple ceremony is indispensable? Presumably the signs and tokens are unchangeable, since they will enable us to walk past the angels that stand as sentinels, being enabled to give them the signs and tokens to gain eternal exaltation. I just don’t believe heaven works like that. I would never give my child a secret code to remember in order to be admitted into my presence. I do believe God expects obedience and, most of all, he looks on the heart. Honestly, I’ve never believed that we will literally do the things we do in the temple in order to enter heaven. I thought it was all figurative. But if the mechanics of the process don’t really matter, why is it so secretive and sacred? It’s just always struck me as strange. My first time in the celestial room, my mom said “isn’t this wonderful?” I barely stopped myself from saying “I guess?” because I was so weirded out. Instead I just said, “yeah” and looked around the room. 

I didn’t like the covenant to give everything I have, all my time, talents, and possessions to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Combined with the above (and a lot of other context in my mind), this felt like a dangerous promise. The church is not perfect. Even our doctrine includes several apostasies in the past, and then the promise that that won’t happen this time. It absolutely could happen this time, and my confidence in Joseph Smith has been eroded recently anyway - beginning with learning about the events surrounding his arrest, then the changing claims about the Book of Mormon (historicity and translation), and especially the book of Abraham.

I looked around the celestial room and felt so much peace. It’s a beautiful place to reflect and pray. And I thought, “the price of admission is too high.” Both literally - paying 10% of our income to be able to enter - and figuratively - the anxiety-inducing worthiness interviews that I’ve had to devalue in my mind in order to endure, the all-or-nothing acceptance of prophets, seers, and revelators, etc. I believe church leaders are inspired by god to do wonderfully good things. I have also done really good things because I’m Mormon. Lately I’ve been thinking god loves the good things… whether I’m Mormon or not. The temple is a good example: a quiet, clean, serene place to reflect and pray. That’s a wonderful thing. I have never understood the mechanics of the temple. In fact, shortly after my first time through the endowment session, I arrived in the mission field and went to the temple with my MTC cohort and President Blake. Afterward, President Blake encouraged us to ask questions and discuss the temple. I was so happy to have an opportunity to ask about the switching of shoulders, the taking off the slippers and putting them back on… I wanted to ask about more but we promise not to discuss “except at a certain place in the temple“ or never to “divulge,” etc. But I thought at least I could get some insights on the mechanics of the temple. In fact it was President Blake who called it “the mechanics of the temple” which is a phrase that I’ve used in my mind since then whenever I think or talk about these things. Unfortunately, I learned this term when I asked about these things and President Blake said, “Don’t worry about the mechanics of the temple. Don’t focus on the mechanics of the temple. It’s the message and the covenants that matter.” I’m sure I paraphrased a bit, but I think one of those first two sentences is a verbatim quote. It was really disappointing. Anyway, I digress…

The temple is a wonderful place for many reasons, but maybe the restoration or the idea of one true church aren’t what make the temple great. There are other places that are wonderful for the same reasons I love the temple, without the aspects that triggered my distaste yesterday. I don’t want to sit through another worthiness interview. Those interviews and the framework surrounding them have caused so much harm in my life. They fostered, if not caused, my OCD. I can sit in nature, or in a float pod, and feel wonderful peace, meditation, and/or communion with God.

The thing that brought my heart the most joy yesterday was the peace and guidance I felt when praying about tithing. I don’t want to pay it anymore, because I don’t support or believe in the church as wholeheartedly anymore. But this transition has come with two major fears: I don’t want to be selfish, and I don’t want to lose God in my life. As I prayed in the temple, I made two plans that I have since discussed with Heidi, and we are both so happy about.

1. Instead of tithing, we are opening a new checking account called “giving.” That money will be available to either of us to give away as we see people with needs. Friends, family members, charities, gofundme’s, etc. Heidi and I are both SO excited to give in a more personal way. I’m already looking around for needs we can help fulfil. I know [someone was in need and I was excited to help them - I'm not going to include the details on this blog]. 
 

2. We will focus on praying together as a family and talking about God more often, including FHE-style lessons. Heidi doesn’t want Afton to experience the harm she (Heidi) has experienced in the church, but we do want Afton to know she is a child of God and he will help her. In our faith crisis, we have not been good about teaching Afton, because we’re not sure what to teach. In the temple yesterday, I felt god assure me that it’s okay to be honest with Afton, including being honest about my uncertainty.

I’ve been typing all of this on my phone in sacrament meeting, which is ending. I loved going to the temple yesterday. I will miss it, but I will replace it with other places to quietly meditate, pray, and receive guidance from God. My recommend expires in two days. It feels like a big deal. An important transition in my life - the fact that I won’t have another temple recommend interview. As far as I know, I will never enter the temple again. This is the direction I want to move right now. The two plans I mentioned above make me really happy.