A Dad's Response to His Son's Invitation

I just read this in the Mormon Stories Podcast Facebook group, and I love it.

The following is a letter sent to my son. He had invited me back to 'listen to a prophets voice' after many years of my departure from Mormonism. You could say, I am a living proof that accusations by church officials that we have NOT been honest, or faithful to Truth and lacking in perseverance and integrity, are simply absurd and dangerously false. It took me far more faith to leave the church and reject Mormonism, than it ever could to have remained!

“I appreciate - like you said - that your email letter was an invitation, not intended to start any lengthy exchanges.

As I think about it, writing to me about the church, shows or demonstrates just how much you love the gospel, the leaders and the message of Mormonism. You could have run the risk of triggering some offence from me, yet you still wrote. That shows courage and a very strong conviction in hoping I might try again to listen to a prophets voice.

My refusal or reluctance to take another look at Mormonism is not because I’m now too old to change my opinions. If I saw sufficient evidence to clearly demonstrate I had been wrong, I’d crawl, if needed, to the nearest chapel for rebaptism, but simply listening to a prophet’s voice, however sincere and appealing they may be, does not change what I consider to be a considerable and colossal amount of evidence against it.

Generally speaking, ex-Mormons study and know more church history and teaching than active LDS. That is simply because ex-Mormons are devastated by what has happened to them and want to understand how it all went wrong and many do not jump straight over to an ex-Mormon site, but read church based sources, to review the history, whereas, active LDS are busy doing their lessons and enjoying their membership and see no reason to turn over stones.

My reluctance to reinvestigate will never be about tiredness, ego, age or being too comfortable. It’s about Truth; it always was. You know yourself, it goes back a long, long way. Do you remember that day most of us were sitting in our lounge, discussing my doubts? You brought as an argument, the beauty and moral character of your sister (Name withheld and who was absent) and what a great evidence this was to the divinity of the restored gospel? Such associations do ‘feel’ correct, but they are misleading, as all devout persons of other faiths, who live in tight knit family circles, can make the same sort of claim. In the end, as powerful and as important as feelings are, they cannot negate the weight of hard evidence.

I said my doubts went back a long way. Even before you were alive in this world, I had asked to be released as bishop (After 3 years in that position) simply because I had too many disturbing doubts. Doubts and disagreements about church related teaching, policy and history. My doubts have always been with me, but were generally swept under the carpet most of the time. Back in those early days, I had no concrete evidence, so found it difficult to ‘explain’ why I felt differently? Quite a lot was down to a gut feeling – what I later described as ‘chinks of light’shinning through the darkness. I remember – even before moving north – when I once read the book, ‘A Commentary on the Doctrine and Covenants.’ (Essentially, lengthy notes on the background to Joseph’s revelations). I remember having strong gut feelings of how stupidly daft so much of the commentary was. I actually felt a sense of its mad irrationality, but kept it to myself.

For decades the Internet did not exist, nor did contact with other people, whom later I discovered, felt the same as myself; people with sincere, genuine intellectual reasons for having a different opinion on truth and falsehood. I produced a 13 page typed letter to my stake president about all the things which troubled me – rather trivial compared to what I eventually discovered, but President Cox was too busy to sit with me and so assigned his counsellor to meet and look at these issues. As I entered a room for this private interview, he just stared at me across a table with a smirk – and just kept on smirking! He suggested I was really looking for a way out and did not want to discuss my letter!

I had said to the other counsellor (As we travelled together in his car to a meeting) ‘I think I’ve lost my testimony,’ his response was: “What have you been doing wrong – there must be some sin somewhere.”
Sin, pride, rebellion, laziness, neglect, faithlessness, or being offended, are still the classic reasons given for leaving. I listened to Uchtdorf's talk after conference and although I think Uchtdorf did not intend to be unkind, but simply spoke of something he could not fully appreciate (I consider him to be a little more compassionate or at least, more flexible than most apostles), yet he also said of members leaving: “like a headstrong, unruly child, become angry with God and His church, pack their bags and storm out the door proclaiming that they’re running away and never coming back.”

I think from the top down, such labelling is normal, because it’s thought and taught that it is not possible to doubt or leave the church from the standpoint of honesty or integrity, but only from forms of negativity – after the spirit is lost. The only person to take the trouble to reply to me in writing and to sit and discuss the issues which troubled me was my twin brother.

I’ve spent decades being told I was too proud whenever I gained enough courage to verbalize my own diverging thoughts. Always being made to feel the odd one out – that I must try harder, pray more, read the B of M, fast and attend the temple, etc, etc. So I did. At some later period, I read a book by a Catholic Priest named Charles Davis, entitled ‘A Question of Conscience’ and although in a different church, he expressed so well, all I was feeling. I became aware of the emotional drag and weight of all I was struggling with and suddenly felt so damn tired. Periodically, through the years (Still before the Internet) I would fast, pray and seek heart-felt answers, but nothing came, nothing except a profound sense that God loved me regardless and that I was enough – just as I was.

People with questions that cannot, or will not be answered by leaders and who leave the church, do not seek a way out – an easy route, or a more liberal and comfortable life style. It would have been so much easier to remain – to stay in that cosy bubble. I know hundreds, if not thousands of Mormon exit stories... the cost; the loss; the heart-breaking struggle; the depression of feeling betrayed; in confusion; alone and suffering the judgement and alienation from others. No one in their right mind ‘chooses’ these options. It takes MORE inner faith to walk through such trauma, than it does to remain.... or at very least, as much.

You said, that like me, “You have had doubts”, well yes, years ago I did, but since 2006, when the church officially ganged-up against me to try and demand how I should live, there has not been one single second, where I have entertained a moment’s doubt that the church might be true. Apart from thinking back then how certain I was on the matter, I’ve learnt so much more since – in terms of revealed history/teachings, cover-ups, concealment, lies, half baked admissions, scientific discoveries, corporate greed, absurd policy decisions, abuse, unkindness, control and the utter lack of discerning power of all leaders.... but I hasten to add, I think the general membership are great and wonderful people. All of you children are gifted too – excellent parents, hard working and sincere, but the institution? Well, that’s another matter. There is nothing within Mormonism that I need, or could feel benefitted by. I do indeed have the same heart I always did – and same compassion and love. I believe in God and in an afterlife, yet do not believe Mormonism has the power or authenticity to control my present or my eternity – neither mum’s, nor yours. I have mentioned here odd things about my journey, but have not detailed specific evidences as to why I believe the church to be false, which I’m sure you have no appetite to read.

Just a last little thought. I have loved on occasions, being with the family – whether in your homes or at church, for some wedding or ordinance – and when I am there, I do not have cynical or negative thoughts about the church, but find it quite easy to accept that others have different beliefs and convictions than mine – and I can still celebrate and enjoy the occasion, because in the end, it’s about people who are there, not what they choose to believe; I hope that can be said of me, as I so much enjoy being with you at times and the rest of the children/grandchildren.

Quite apart from all the above, I’ve had a lovely life with mum and all of you within Mormonism. We had great times and the small holding was really fantastic. My faith in God – stemming originally from association with the gospel, was so powerful and consoling. Even after mum died, it became for me, the most sustaining companion and comfort I have ever experienced.

I appreciate your intentions and motivations to extend your invitation to me and consider it an expression of your concern and love for me. Thank you.

Hope all is well with you and your family in these strange days.”

Love Dad