The Utility of Church Membership

I've been having an internal struggle lately between the principles I used to believe applied to my church membership, my desire to be totally honest, and the simple utility of belonging to a church.

I've recently felt like I'm ready to have my name removed from the records of the church, and my daughter's name as well.  Most of the time I feel like, "Who cares?  It doesn't mean anything anyway," but then I got a text message inviting me to tithing settlement.  There are a lot of layers to peel back from that last sentence.  On the surface, there's a good man just doing his calling, reaching out to the membership list.  Maybe he can see that we've attended tithing settlements in the past.  I can't fault him.  But then again... if anyone involved knew me at all, they would know it was a really bad move to invite me to a tithing settlement.  I'm pretty pissed about all the lies I've been told by the church.  Frankly, paying tithing isn't a thing I'm really upset about - I believed I was doing a good thing, and I think it was a valuable principle to live and learn.  But now our charitable contributions go directly to someone we can see benefit from it; not to a "charitable" organization that builds malls and stockpiles 13-digit investment funds.  These days, inviting me to a tithing settlement feels like a pretty crappy thing to do.

That was a tangent.  The point is I see some major flaws in the church, including some really nasty manipulation.  For example, the church teaches that the default fate of families is separation.  All families will be separated eternally unless they believe in Joseph Smith, receive temple ordinances (which are still so weird, in spite of changes to make them more palatable), and so on.

And so, according to church doctrine, when I get my name removed from church records, I am destroying my eternal family.  I want to remove my name from church records as a clear indicator of my position that this manipulative teaching is false, harmful, and holds no sway over me.  I don't want anyone in my ward or my family holding on to some hope that the "tentacles of Divine Providence" will still reach me thanks to the priesthood ordinances that are still technically in place.  No.  Let's be clear.  Joseph Smith was a fraud, Brigham Young was a monster, the church is deceitful, and I want nothing to do with any of it.

But then I think about the simple utility of belonging to a church, and the fact that this is the church I've known my entire life.  There are a ton of good reasons to retain my church membership.  Here are some:

The building.  From the simple fact that it has a basketball court, to the more harrowing possibility of needing a funeral venue.

The people.  I don't know if our names came up in a church meeting recently when we got covid, but I do know our fridge filled up with food from neighbors.  Our neighbors are freaking incredible (including some who are not LDS), so there's a good chance it wasn't an official church-organized effort.  But there's also a good chance it was!

The directory.  As a member of my ward here in Davis County, Utah, I can get most of my neighbors' names and phone numbers from an app on my phone.

The emergency preparedness.  I don't mind having my family on the list of people to check in on in a time of need.  (See "The people" above)

So those items make it seem like a no-brainer.  Just leave our records in place.  However, the list of reasons to remove our names is huge and complicated.  I mentioned the doctrinal implications that I'd like to clearly kick to the curb, but there are some more tangible concerns as well:

My daughter.  Her membership record was created when I blessed her as a baby.  Which is another story all by itself, but I'll stay on track here.  I don't want the church following her around her entire life.  Her primary teacher (who has never met her) left a gift and letter on our doorstep.  Like the tithing settlement invitation, this was of course done with the best of intentions.  But the simple fact is the church is harmful for many women.  I would like my girls to grow up with all the goodness their parents have mustered from being Mormon, and without the garbage we'd like to leave behind.  So, church, please stay away from my daughter.  For this reason, I want to remove her name from church records.

The ministering assignment.  The helpful app that contains the directory also shows me I have a ministering assignment.  My companion is a good friend and neighbor, and I'm assigned to three families.  Two of these are neighbors I love and try to look out for anyway - okay, fine.  Another is a couple I don't know, and damn it WHY?  Why am I assigned to them?  I have an innate desire to be dependable, and also a desire to not be the weak link in a companionship, and also a desire to remove the awkward obligation from my companion, and also the decades of ingrained guilt associated with living up to the expectations of the church.  I hate that this assignment exists.  Hey church, I want to be removed from it and any future assignments like it.  Let me love my neighbor, and will you please stay the hell away from the OCD you so painfully fueled for my ENTIRE LIFE.  Part of my wellbeing includes ignoring this assignment... and hoping everyone else involved doesn't experience the pain I have.  Because now they've made me party to it.  But it's just one simple phone call to ask to be removed, right?  So I should just make that call, right?  What a game of roulette that call would be.  And who knows how long it would work.  If I remove my name from the church records, I never have to think about this again.

All the doctrine and administration.  I mentioned a funeral.  Would that be presided over by a bishop?  Could we have the funeral we want in an LDS chapel?  Obviously, we don't own the building, so where is the line between respecting the LDS church and submitting to the LDS church, especially when we are still officially members?  At this point, there is so much baggage associated with participating in the church.

My thoughts have slowed down.  I'll leave it there for now, except for one more thought: can I still avail myself of the utility of church membership if I remove my name from church records?  I want to get rid of the baggage and obligations, both perceived and designed, of being a member of the church.  But if I do that, do I also give up some things I want to retain?  I have donated tens of thousands of dollars and hours to this church.  In any other organization, that would be reciprocated with just about any reasonable accommodation I might ask for.  But these people believe my eternal salvation is at stake, so it's not that simple.  There is so much baggage on my side, and so much obligation on their side to seek the eternal exaltation of my family... through the gospel as it was restored by a sexual predator.

It feels like this debate has no end until I remove my name from church records, but I think that's my natural tendency to eliminate cognitive dissonance.  I can sit with this a bit longer and give it some more thought.