My friend commented on this post, and I wrote him a Facebook message in reply. My reply is below. But first, his comment:
My Facebook message to him:
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This is you, right?
I cried reading this. I experienced almost exactly the same thing. Even when I was prescribed antidepressants, I still didn't quite get it. It was a helpful step forward, but it would still be years later when I finally realized the church actually didn't bring me happiness. Occasionally, sure, but it was in those moments went I felt reprieve from the pain the church usually caused. When the Prozac started taking effect, I remember holding a pill in my hand and marveling at it. The lack of pain I felt was something I equated with the spirit. I sat there looking at the pill and thinking, "They've bottled the Holy Ghost." I didn't literally believe that, but I had spent time thinking about the physiological effects of the Spirit, especially because some of my spiritual experiences were SO powerful I had very physical sensations, and I figured this pill produced some similar effects, but via another mechanism. I still believe that, but now I interpret my spiritual experiences differently.
Man, what else to say about this. I just want to hop in a time machine with you. We could go find past you and past me and cry with them and hug them. So much suffering. And the solution is so simple. Like you said, "It wasn’t until I started doing the things that I genuinely enjoyed and genuinely made me happy and stopped doing the “spiritual” things that were truly making me more miserable, that I finally found peace in my life." The church builds up a sense of struggle, battle, etc. Righteousness vs. wickedness. The natural man vs. submission. It's not real!! You can just walk away from the supposed battlefield and do something you enjoy.
A simple example: instead of church, we go to Black Bear Diner as a family every Sunday. Man, I'm tearing up again thinking about this. It's SO SIMPLE! Church is ostensibly a vehicle for strengthening your family... but what do families do at church? The parents fight their kids' tendency to be kids for an hour, and then split up into separate classes. Wow, amazing family bonding. We LOVE Sundays now! I love my family so much. I love spending time with them. Man, I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive since your comment begins with your marriage falling apart. I think you understand my intent, though. The church, for me, is in many ways the exact opposite of what it claims to be.
It claims to be plain and simple. It's not. The simple answer is this: happiness comes from doing things that make you happy.
On that note, it claims to bring happiness. I'm not saying it never does, but for me it created much more pain, and the happiness it offered was a respite from the pain it created.
It claims to be a way to strengthen your family, but it's not. It divides families, literally (on Sundays), doctrinally (the default future of ALL families is separation, unless you convert/conform), and culturally (I've been on both sides of the divide... from this side, I can see that it's needless).
I'm so sorry for all the pain you experienced. I think I have some idea of how much it hurt. But my support system stayed intact. I remember my wife going over to spend time with your wife after your baby was born. She told me your wife was really having a hard time. I can't imagine what you went through. I'm imagining all the pain I personally experienced being compounded with the loss you experienced. I don't know if I've ever paused to think about it as much as I am right now, and that makes me feel like a bad friend. But I also don't think I could have understood the spiritual aspect of the pain until recently, as I look at my own experience in retrospect. What you went through is devastating. It's difficult to express the sympathy I feel... as well as the admiration for the fact that you've made it to where you are now.
Thank you for commenting and sharing what you did. Love you man.
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