I recently had an exchange on Facebook with an active LDS friend who commented on my post about Murder Among the Mormons. He said I had a "dishonest take" on the Mark Hofmann story. After we chatted a bit on Facebook messenger, he said "inaccurate" might have been a better word, and I agreed. He didn't mean to express a judgment about me personally; he just takes issue with people stating things about the church that aren't correct when there are plenty of actual problems to grapple with. He understood my words in a way that I didn't intend. The message he received was definitely inaccurate, and the fact is he simply took my words at face value, and I hadn't expressed myself clearly. I appreciated his willingness to engage, and really appreciated his sensitive response to a more personal message I sent him, which I will paste below. I wanted to share it here for anyone who experiences similar emotions amidst a faith transition.
My message:
*****
On a more personal note, I was thinking about you on my drive home and thought I'd offer a little more context that might be helpful. I know I have to keep it in mind on my side - and it's the reason for my last comment which I now realize came across as passive-aggressive. I'm sorry for that.
Leaving the church is incredibly painful, and I don't know if active LDS folks really understand that very often, or maybe ever. I'm going to try to sum up a huge can of worms here, but I think the gist is this: my church experience hurt me, and it had to hurt bad enough that I was willing to consider the seemingly unthinkable prospect of leaving it behind. The church did me a lot of good, too, of course, but everyone sees and acknowledges that. People don't acknowledge the pain. It is heart-wrenching. The self-loathing I felt due to the anxiety I developed brought me to the brink of suicide. And why is that? Because I misunderstood the gospel. Because I was too hard on myself. Because I took a quote or a scripture too literally. Because of me. Me, me, me. Not a single consideration that perhaps this church was the problem, or it just wasn't a good fit for this particular, suffering human being. It couldn't be the church, because the church was TRUE. And if I could just understand correctly, accept mercy adequately, choose the right consistenly, and so on, it would all be worth it. I think you understand how much I love my family, because you feel the same love for yours. Do you have any idea how badly I still want to be with them for eternity? If the church was true, and Sunday worship required laying on a bed of hot coals, I'd be there. I would do ANYTHING for it to be true and to know I'll be with my wife and my girls forever. But not only did the church hurt me, it also lied to me. It lied to me about a lot of things, but most painfully it lied to me about the nature of my own relationships with the people I love most, and then held them hostage... because what if I was wrong? What if I actually was putting my eternal family in jeopardy? It's an excruciating dilemma.
I know your experience has been vastly different from mine, but this was my experience.
Your initial comment on my post elevated my heart rate and I literally started to tremble. I don't know what PTSD is like, but I wonder if it's kind of like that. I was being dishonest???? I'm the one being dishonest here??? My knee-jerk response was "f*** you." I could hardly think.
I don't share any of this with any feeling of being above reproach or above questioning. My sob story doesn't make me special. It just means I have a crap ton of baggage that I bring to this topic, and I really have to work hard at not sharing that initial knee-jerk response.
*****
I understand why people who leave the church get bitter. I often feel bitter. The bitterness comes from pain, and when that bitterness is expressed, LDS folks don't get it, or they attribute it to the influence of Satan. That's just salt in the wound - and wound is the right word for it.
To my LDS friends reading this, please approach your friends in a faith crisis as you would a wounded animal. They are hurting, and they need some sensitivity and love. You might need to develop some thick skin to get past their bitterness and understand their heart. I know that's a lot to ask. Frankly, it might not be worth your time or energy for an acquaintance. But if it's someone you love, keep this in mind. If you are their ecclesiastical leader, definitely keep this in mind.
They might say some things that seem unreasonable or even ridiculous. Strong emotions often lead to irrational words. Consider looking past the words and recognizing the emotions. Think about forgiving them for "speaking evil" or even saying things that aren't true... but don't forgive them out loud, that would be incredibly pompous. Look past the words, recognize the pain, and ask a thoughtful question seeking understanding rather than holding them to the words they spoke.
Something like this:
"Thank you so much for talking to me about this. My experience has been so different from yours, and I want to understand where you're coming from. What did you mean by [the irrational thing you just said]?"
They know they're sometimes irrational. They'll probably backpedal a little and then get a little closer to the heart of the matter.
"Thank you so much for talking to me about this. My experience has been so different from yours, and I want to understand where you're coming from. What did you mean by [the irrational thing you just said]?"
They know they're sometimes irrational. They'll probably backpedal a little and then get a little closer to the heart of the matter.
These are tough conversations. I've been very grateful for my sensitive friends, no matter their stance regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
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